


If I Were A Girl

by corvidqueen



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 09:00:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20423339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corvidqueen/pseuds/corvidqueen
Summary: Shou can no longer avoid asking all the dangerous questions.





	If I Were A Girl

**Author's Note:**

> A recent re-watch of this anime reminded me that I wrote fic for it in an LJ fan community way back when LJ was still a thing. Amazingly the community LJ was still around and the fics I had submitted to them were still there and I thought why the heck not?

"If you're not careful, I really _will_ bed you."

Shou wasn't sure what was making Ren angrier - the fact that he hadn't been able to tell it was him beneath the makeup and frills, or the fact that he'd honestly found Shou attractive dressed as a girl. The younger teen was having a hard time putting a label on his own feelings regarding the situation himself. While there was the usual anger at having once again been the only member of Starish to be dragged into a ridiculous promotion with Ringo (and relief that Natsuki was still in a recording session with Ittoki), there was also the numbing sadness that came with the realization that this was the only way he would ever be able to catch the older teen's attention. He'd be lying to himself if he said he didn't know what he saw in the arrogant, spoiled, playboy wanna be idol. Jinguji Ren had everything Shou had ever wanted - height, masculine charisma, and the ability to draw your eye just by walking into the room. Shou couldn't say when his admiration and jealousy had turned to infatuation, but he felt something in him snap when he met Ren's glaring gaze, as if it were somehow his fault Ren had made a pass at him.

"You wouldn't even know how to." the smaller boy fired back as he leaned casually into his seat, crossing one bare leg over the other and draping his slim arms along the top of the couch's rounded back, not bothering to resettled the ruffles of the pastel dress he wore and showing off more thigh then he would have ever dared at any other time.

It was a pretty brazen statement, made more so by his openly defiant pose and from the way the taller boy turned back to him, Shou was certain he understood the many layers of meaning that went with it. He almost smirked, but something in Ren's unreadable expression as he took the three steps necessary to cast his shadow over the seated boy made Shou's stomach turn in a way he really wished it wouldn't. There was no mistaking the implied challenge in Shou's words, but it was one he'd expected Ren to simply laugh off with a lewd and slightly cruel joke regarding his friendship with Natsuki like he always did. Then again, he'd never expected Ren to threaten to fuck him either so when large hands came to rest on the wall to either side of Shou's head, the shorter blond simply lifted his chin and stared acceptingly into the expressionless face that leaned down in front of him. He remained still when Ren kissed him, arms limp where they lay though the many bangles that adorned his wrists began to jingle softly as his fingers press into the cushions in his effort to keep them there rather than sliding into the cool silk of Ren's hair where it fell like a curtain against his face. The reality beyond the gentle pressure of Ren's slightly chapped lips and the faint musk of his cologne faded into obscurity as Shou let his eyes drift shut, immersing himself in the flickering sensations.

It was, after all, the first and last kiss he would ever get from Jinguji Ren. 

He couldn't help but lean forward ever so slightly when the older teen finally does pull back and from the uncertainty on his face, Shou was certain he'd been waiting for the younger idol to pull away first - to throw a punch at him with his usual fiery protests. He can feel the crushing weight of Ren's pending rejection beginning to squeeze his heart so hard that every heavy beat began to hurt, but he doesn't break the silence that falls between them nor does he let Ren look away, meeting his eyes directly the way he had at the start of...whatever this was. It was time they both faced the truth, for better or worse.

They had kissed, and Shou liked it.

"So...Natsuki...?" Ren finally asked softly as he straightened, Shou shrugging.

"Is like an annoying younger brother. How it seems makes dating anyone difficult but he's never been anything but a friend."

The older blond snorted, running a hand through his hair as he looked everywhere but at Shou, clearly at a loss.

"Kurusu-" 

Shou flinched at the use of his surname rather than his given name which was as much of an answer as the younger boy needed, unable to keep the hurt from his face as he stands abruptly to his feet to interrupt the older boy before he got any further. He doesn't say anything when Ren all but jumps back, as if terrified of being touched by the shorter boy, but he feels the all too familiar burn of tears in the corners of his eyes, blinking them back stubbornly.

"I'm not sorry you kissed me and I'm not about to listen to a single word of apology from you over it. I'm not about to apologize for my feelings either, they're mine and I'm allowed to have them and I should hope that we've been friends long enough for you to know I don't expect anything from you. Maybe, if I were really a girl...." he lets the sentence end without finishing, hating how pathetic it sounds and how pathetic he's become to even voice such a thing, let alone honestly wish it were true.

No amount of make up or dresses or high heeled shoes would ever change the simple fact that he was male and Ren was straight. 

"Kurusu..." Ren began again, and then seemed to think better of it, swallowing as he tried to smile. "Look, Shou, it's not -"

"I have to meet Ringo so you should just go ahead to the studio with everyone else." the younger boy interrupted softly, already turning to go as he lifted a hand carelessly in farewell. "Don't tell Nakatsu - he'll try to leave early just to see and I think if he interrupts anymore shoots Ringo is going to expel him."

He wasn't expecting the hand which darted out to grab hold of the half open door or the whisper soft voice which sounded next to his ear, frozen in place by the sudden heat of Ren's presence behind him.

"Whether you were a girl or not - it's never mattered to me, Shou."

The hand which had held the door in place dropped smoothly then to brush the curls of the wig away, Shou shivering at the lips which touched lightly to the bare skin of his neck before he found himself pushed gently into the hall and the door shut quietly behind him. For a moment he could only stand, dazed and daring to hope in the empty hall way, hands clenching and unclenching as he struggled to wrangle in his own emotions.

It was so unfair, to be given hope just as he'd finally, really given up. To be allowed, with the ambiguity of a single sentence, to think "maybe" where before he had only ever expected rejection. This was perhaps, by far, the single cruelest thing Ren could have ever done to him, Shou swallowing hard as he forced his heeled feet to turn down the hall way, making his way one slow step after another to the set where Ringo and the rest were still setting up and hoping that by the time he got there he could smile like he was supposed to.


End file.
